You boys have one love beyond your mother…and it’s not me.
Owen kisses her picture, Alex recites her words and re-enacts her story. You boys love Moana so much she saw you through the long interminable drive through North Dakota not once but twice [Not counting the three times we played the whole soundtrack]
You love lots of moments: Maui’s first appearance, Tomatoa’s defeat, hooks exploding, blow darts in butt cheeks, all the belted songs. But Owen recently adopted a song with a message that felt fresh to me, even after our 218th viewing.
The journey may leave a scar,
but scars can heal and reveal just where you are
–Lin Manuel Miranda “I am Moana”
Dear Boys,
The more I hear it the more I like that line. Honestly, you will have failures in life, lots of them. some of them will hurt so much that it’s hard to carry on
This line doesn’t suggest that the pain makes you stronger. Rather the pain makes you wiser. You know where you are more than who you are. You know enough to plan the next step.
The moment may be painful, even years later, but it can serve you well if you walk through it.
Consider the Loons. I’m writing this as I walk home after their last game in a hellacious week of 3 games in 7 days (all against top 4 opponents). They won tonight but were clobbered in the first two.
The scars of the first two losses sting, reminders that we aren’t elite by any stretch. But they make these moments sweeter. We aren’t great, yet, but we can, and hopefully will be.
The journey to upsets
Or think of the Griz. They actually have some say in their opponents. They could lurk in the mountain west clobbering lower division opponents and only worrying about Big Sky trophies. They could be great in that vacuum, but they choose to go for difficult games to build a squad that can be tournament tough.
They’re not on the cusp of a national championship, but they’re on a journey that aims beyond a tough loss to Creighton, or even stirring upsets of Boise State and Long Beach. Coach Citowicki knows where they are, and is helping them to journey farther.
Mama knows where she is
Simplest of all, remember your family. We drove through North Dakota to do the hard task of saying goodbye. Your mom and grandma could shut down grief and ignore the pain of loss, but going to say goodbye will help them center themselves in the present. Through the goodbyes they remember where they are: here with you, the next generation. Ready to start again.
It certainly isn’t easy, and I understand if you feel like you can’t. But when you can, I hope you remember that in the moment of pain, thinking long term may serve you in ways you can’t imagine.
Despite the unusual circumstances, I’ll always remember this summer’s Olympics as Alex’s first real sports fandom moment.
Each day you were excited to ask “can we watch some Olympics?”
Dear Boys,
It was clear as could be that you liked the Olympics. You were willing to cut back to only one Reading Rainbow a day, and your joy in sharing it with me, with mama, and with your grannies was clearly apparent. After hoping for more swimming at first, you came to enjoy whatever came your way: bike racing, sprinting, relay races, ribbon dancing, diving, it was all fun, and you were all in.
But there was a moment that you missed. A moment, I wish I could capture for you again and again.
That simple question: “can we have two golds?”
It’s such an easy question that it’s a little surprising that no one ever asked it before Mutaz Barshim. [Though, having refereed my share of disputes between you two boys, maybe not terribly surprising.]
“Can we have two golds?”
That kind of question at the height of your sport, the peak of competition, with the eyes of the world on you.
“Can we have two golds?”
I’m blown away by it, because it simply questions every expectation we have in sports. We expect competition. We expect victory and defeat. We expect winners and losers. We expect finality, a degree of absolute fact or truth: one record, one best, that’s it. Either Barshim or Gianmarco Tamberi would be gold medalist. One would be in history books forever. That’s what we expected.
“Can we have two golds?”
That’s something we don’t expect.
In this essay I will analyze how “Grocery Truck” embodies a win at all cost culture…
As Barshim says in his interview, “[Sports] is a tool for us to come together.” So, what if, instead of the expected delineation between winners and losers, what if we sought to celebrate moments where we share.
It’s certainly not easy. Even in soccer, one of the few sports where teams may share the same number of points, it’s a challenge. I can’t tell you the number of times growing up I heard friends ask “how can you like that? can’t you like…tie?” The tie was a complete unknown to us. One team won, one team lost. It might take slo-mo instant replay, but you could figure out who came first and who came last. [To paraphrase one of your preferred Little Blue Truck Books]
Bobby Moore (L) and Pele (R)
Soccer draws are often frustrating for fans, we often come away thinking about the two points dropped rather than the one point gained. But truth to tell, even if they coulda-shoulda-won….they could-woulda lost if something else had gone amiss. Maybe that’s why soccer players often come away from the end of a match with appreciation for the other side, swapping jerseys and exchanging pleasantries no matter how bitter the blow is.
The players understand that the game is one thing, but life is another. We fans, we citizens, we don’t always understand that.
Sadder still, we have taken the sport mentality, the thirst for victory, well beyond cheering on our local team/high jumper. Lots of people look to gloat at the failures of their rivals.
In the wake of the fall of Afghanistan and the deaths of innocent people, there are some who have seized this moment to denounce not violence, not human rights violations, but their political opponents. They don’t bother to acknowledge the suffering of people, the desperation and fear, but instead they demand we blame someone…someone other than them. At the same time, there are those who fight back. Pinning the blame back on those who are criticizing the failure. In their own way, seeking to score a win in the history books for their side, regardless of what failure is happening on the other side of the world.
It’s strange that in a serious moment of humanity we seek to push others down still further, but in a moment of fevered competition, Barshim and Tamberi chose to lift each other up.
I write these words knowing that you boys will probably never be olympians, or soccer stars, or have the fate of an armed invasion on your hands. But whatever you do, I hope you boys find new ways to question expectations.
As you grow up boys, you should know that every thing you say and do has consequences. Missteps and misdeeds are shared more broadly and more quickly than ever. And more and more people are ready to denounce those people they find lacking.
Some see that as overreacting. But as one of my colleagues told me: If you tolerate intolerant people, then you are tolerating intolerance.
Dear Boys,
There is an ideal symbol for this debate right now in the manager’s office in Dingwall, Scotland (not far from where your centuries-past MacKenzie relatives tilled the field and apprenticed to tailors). Malky Mackay is officially the Staggies manager, and he has said and done more than a few things that are blatantly, obviously, intolerant.
These statements (reviewed in more detail here) aren’t tone deaf moments, or failures to understand. They’re straight up, no questions asked, racist, sexist, anti-Semitic, and homophobic. Mackay’s offenses are clear. But County’s hiring him is less so.
Photo from Ross-Shire Journal
If you agree that tolerating such an intolerant man is, itself, an act of intolerance, then County’s decision to hire him, suggests tolerance for those abhorrent views. Fans decision to cheer the Stags who execute his game plan suggests the same. But things aren’t that simple.
The strongest complicating force is that many people, myself included, feel a philosophical, almost spiritual calling to forgive others. I believe, truly, that others deserve not just second chances, but third, fourth…infinite chances.
That seems inherently unfair in some cases. After all, if everyone knows they will get more chances, than those who make racist, sexist, anti-Semitic, or homophobic statements/actions may never really face consequences. If people know that we’ll tolerate their misdeeds, then everything we do will enable intolerance.
But here’s the distinction I make, and I hope you boys consider as you make up your own mind: you don’t tolerate the intolerance, you tolerate the people.
The word “tolerance” has come to mean “authorizing the existence of something unpleasant”. But the word’s Latin root (and another meaning of the word) is “endurance of pain”.
There’s a flawed logic in the idea that we can authorize or de-authorize any person. It assumes that we have a power to make other people do what we want. It suggests that some people are superior to others [better, holier, etc.].
Endurance is more passive, and more realistic. We don’t like to admit or face the fact that we CAN’T change the world, or even other people. But the truth is we can’t. Sometimes, all you can do is endure the relationship with a man who makes your skin crawl and stomach churn. And that is the stage we are at with Mr. Mackay.
I don’t authorize MacKay’s statements. I haven’t found a Staggies fan yet who does. I hope the Ross County board was explicitly clear with him. I hope they made clear that any such repeated statements, in public, or in his capacity as team manager (ie. discussing players/agents/owners/opponents/fans, etc), will not be tolerated. The penalty should be swift, and immediate, including termination of contract and repayment of wages (preferably to be donated to organizations that do reflect the club’s goals and mission). Such a requirement makes clear that Mackay is being tolerated, but intolerant actions will not.
Original Obelisk to the Earl of Cromarty (Sir George MacKenzie)…endured 200 years (a smaller replica has stood for 100 years itself)
I hope Mackay does well. I hope he apologizes for his past intolerance and works to build a better community in the weeks and months ahead. I hope he coaches a team that stays up. I hope his players learn from him and grow toward their full potential. (Given his half-hearted apologies and lousy managerial record, I anticipate doing much more “enduring” than admiring, but time will tell.)
I have no power over Malky Mackay, or the Ross County board, or anyone else anywhere on the planet. I cannot authorize or de-authorize anyone. I will oppose his intolerant actions/beliefs by not paying for any County seats or paraphernalia during Mackay’s tenure. But I will endure Malky Mackay. Managers come and go, but love for heritage, love for people, love for the Staggies, will endure.
When I was a kid (just what every child longs to hear) we heard a lot about equality. Teaches, pastors, and friends on Sesame Street urged me to “Treat everyone equally”. Your grandpa Bruce often got misty thinking of how we were finally “living up to the ideal that all men are created equal.”
They were fine sentiments, but misinformed. The world isn’t equal, nor does it treat everyone equally. What’s more, equality is more of an ideal outcome than a single act. Put it simply: equality sounds good, but often equitability helps you do good. So, a year after I taught you to say “fuck you white supremacy,” let’s take a moment to understand these distinctions with the help of soccer.
Dear Boys,
First, some definitions. Equality is grounded in the idea of sameness. Both of you boys deserve healthy bones and valuable vitamins, so you both get an equal amount of milk at every meal.
Equitability is grounded in the idea of addressing need. Owen doesn’t have the same level of muscle control or patience as Alex. So, while you get an equal share of milk you get an equitable access to cups. (Plain ones for Big A, sloshy/bottle-esque ones for Baby O)
As a teacher, I aim for equality in assigning tasks and assessing performance. I aim for equitability when I provide levels of guidance based on student’s developmental needs and language levels.
The fundamentals of the kitchen table and middle school lesson plans work in global systems of sports, business and culture too.
Let’s make it “WeBelieve”
Sometimes equality is equitable. Women’s soccer is the same game as men’s. The players must train the same muscles, execute the same plays, and use the same equipment as men.
So those of us who watch, talk, and write about the sport should be equitable and provide the Women’s game equality in coverage. That’s certainly my goal, though I feel that I can still improve. But I hope you boys are as excited by Julie Blakstad, Hasret Kayikci, and Claire Howard as you are by Facundo Barcelo, Vincenzo Grifo, and Dayne St Clair.
The entire league system of promotion and relegation is designed to be equal. If you develop and retain talent, you can beat anyone. Then, match by match, step by step you can go from a tiny hamlet to the dominant club in the league. (Modern money might make that highly implausible, it it is still a remote possibility)
That’s the idea at least, but there are many who despair that this model isn’t applied equally across the globe. But this would be where what’s equal isn’t equitable. Each country has its own unique need for the game. Each competition ought to be for itself.
Relegation works where interest in the game is dominant, and supply is wide spread.
Gagnons Les Sommets
In Germany Freiburg has rallied from the third league to be a reliable presence in the top flight. In Serbia, the very real chance of Vozdovac falling down a level provides energy and purpose to fans in a middling season. In France, the thrill of even possible promotion has rallied a community.
These all reflect places where equality works. But they also reflect an enduring love of the game and commitment of community. (Germany and France each hold multiple world titles, and Serbia’s former home of Yugoslavia came close. All three countries routinely produce players on the globe’s top clubs, and their fans are legion)
But that’s not the case for all countries, or even most. So applying one model equally to all countries wouldn’t be equitable.
Take Scotland, a country where the game has faded in recent years. In response, they made a small switch, splitting the league in half so you play your peers when it matters most. So Ross County’s survival didn’t depend on Kilmarnock taking a thrashing from Celtic, but rather on the Staggies taking points from their peers.
What American advocates imagine
Other countries made a bigger change. Neither India, nor the US have relegation, and Mexico hast postponed theirs for five years. Mexico’s choice comes in response to the financial uncertainty around clubs after the pandemic. That uncertainty is multiplied in India and the states. Neither has a long standing pro league. Both have huge countries to navigate and sparse rivalries or travel opportunities for fans.
India and the US are not France and Germany, or even Serbia and Scotland. Forcing these younger leagues to adopt an equivalent process would be foolish and might deter development of players, clubs and ultimately the game.
In time we in the US may be ready for relegation, but now, knowing when to be equitable and when to be equal is vital. (Less vital for an amusing sport than for say the future of public education and the federal government, but still…important…ish).
Both equality and equitability are important, but when you understand how to apply each, you’re in a much better place.
As I was puzzling over what to write about, you boys gave me an idea. As you often do.
Alex was playing with a truck as Owen picked up his Ukelele. Immediately, the world seemed to be ending. Alex was convinced that Owen was taking the Uke and would “NEVER EVER GIVE IT BACK!!!” Cue tears and a confused Owen tightening his grip and thus more tears.
I asked you both the next day what scared you. Owen, with his growing vocabulary said “baaah” his word for bottle (distinct from buh/ball or bu-inba/bowling ball). Alex said “nothing.”
“Really,” said I, “it seems like you often are afraid that whatever someone else has something you like. Like when Owen touches your Ukele. Does that scare you?”
“Oh…yeah…I’m scared of that.”
“Why?”
“Because…it’s mine…and he’s taking it and then HE’LL NEVER GIVE IT BACK. NOT EVER!!”
“I can see that would be scary. What do you do when you’re scared?”
Dear Boys,
Alex: “I scream!”
Owen: [makes deep breathing noise]–note Owen actually screams when he’s scared, but he already knows what I hope he’ll do.
When you’re afraid, you react naturally. But you also are more prone to make mistakes, overreact and generally get sucked into a bigger problem. Fear makes you ready to fight (as shown when you boys push eachother for toys), or flee (as when you run off to another room in tears), or freeze (when you can’t do anything else but scream).
Falling after the fight (Metro Sports)
Easy as it would be to say, “it’s a phase”, and “you’ll grow out of it,” the reality is lots of people do lots of dumb fight, flight, or flee activities when they’re afraid. Both as individuals, organizations, and even teams.
Take the spate of penalties that have sprung up for teams like Grenoble, Ross County, and Vozdovac.
As the season comes to its conclusion each team has a lot riding on every game. Grenoble is approaching the top tier of French football, Ross County and Vozdovac are fighting to stay afloat and avoid relegation. In that context every ball, every opportunity carries greater and greater weight. So, in fear, foolish challenges occur. Penalties are awarded and Grenoble’s wins become draws. County and Vozdovac see points sail away from the spot.
Enough to make anyone freeze (StarTribune)
That’s a fight response. In our neighborhood this week, there’s been a lot more freezing.
The Derek Chauvin trial came to its end. The mountain of evidence, eye witnesses, and expert testimony were enough to hold the officer who killed a man in broad daylight to be held accountable. But all around us there were signs of people and groups freezing. Before the verdict, national guard troops arrived on our block to keep the peace (despite the fact that there was no unrest in the first place). I’ll be frank. I froze when I saw them. Big trucks. Big guns. Right where I pick up the dog’s poop…I didn’t want to go anywhere. That was the hope, but it was a hope based on our fear of the other outcome.
Double the flight (from AlJazeera)
And we even got a textbook example of fleeing in fear this week. Twelve of the biggest teams in the world–teams who could buy and sell our 11 favorites ten times over–announced their plans to flee their current leagues lest they lose, and lose their business. Their fear of failure, of more losses, led them to plan on fleeing their current positions for something that seemed more certain.
And when the backlash was swift. When fans around the world, and players from every team, and coaches, and legends of the game, and politicians all announced that it was stupid, the teams fled again. This time they fled the super league from fear of losing the support they had assumed would follow them. Again they were afraid, and again they fled as fast as their legal briefs could carry them.
These reactions, fight, flight, and flee, are natural. They’re nothing to abandon or grow beyond. They are human responses. You boys are every bit as human as a desperate defender, a local leader, a billionaire owner, or a global soccer icon.
When you’re afraid, know that you’re not alone. If you make a mistake based on your fear, you have good company. If you want help, you have hosts of people who have been through it before.
Fear makes us do foolish things. That’s okay. Just know that fools always have company.
Nobody likes to take the blame for the problems we face. When emotions run high and pain runs deep, being the one who takes the blame hurts.
Sometimes you can shift the blame to someone else, something else, extenuating circumstances or unwieldy fate. Sometimes you can’t. But it’s worth remembering that same feeling when you are blameless and you start looking around for someone to accuse.
It’s easy to pin blame on one person, it’s more valuable to comprehend the context.
Dear Boys,
Hard core sports fans like to say that they live and die with the team’s performance. Of course, they don’t really have a death wish, so rather than jumping off a bridge because of a blow out or a bad beat, they tend to pin the blame on a player turned scapegoat. Consider Punjab FC, who slipped in form after a strong month of showings just when they needed it most.
An all too common sight of late for Punjab (see Saurabh, #3) via Golukam Kerala Club Site
To most eyes, the disappointing results fall on the shoulders of a few rookie defenders. First Surabh Banwala gifted a penalty to Golukam, then the defense and Souvik Das were caught flatfooted against Mohamedan, and Mohammed Irshad made a gaffe against TRAU, and before you could say “pakora” the title hopes were in tatters.
But making Banwala or Das or Irshad the scapegoat for a poor turn in form at the last minute ignores all the context that goes with it.
Sure the defenders are easy to see slipping, but they don’t operate alone. As teams bottle up Chencho Gyeltshen and Baba Diawara, goals become rarer. And defenders push up to add to the attack. And that leaves the defense more vulnerable to miscues. So, yes the defense slipped but they might not have if the offense had continued firing.
Curtis Fleming watching it all come undone Via Kehl Now
Even roping in the offense ignores most of the people on the pitch. There’s a whole second team out there, as well as officials. To put Punjab off their game, Golukam, Mohamedan and TRAU had to be on theirs. While their assigned referees whistled for fouls, others might have missed the mark. You can’t control how others play, you can’t control how refs perform. so yes, the defense slipped but would we have noticed if the referees had missed it or if other teams hadn’t capitalized?
This is to say nothing of the complexity beyond the field. The defense can’t control coaching tactics, or training field injuries, or the intense two match a week schedule. One player making one mistake is a comforting target for blame, but it ignores how complex human life is.
All of this is borne out by the current pop culture obsession of our quarantined community: Wandavision.
Wanda Vision Promo
After a year without daring deeds and heroic exploits, super hero stories came back with a bang. And while you’re still too young for more than five minutes of cartoon adventures, the broader public has gone deep on the story of one superhero, Wanda Maximoff, who commandeers a small town and all the people in it to allay her grief at another devastating loss.
Wanda as hero/villain Scarlet Witch (via Sportskeeda)
To be sure, forcing people to do what you say without giving them a choice is cruel and immoral. Wanda’s actions here aren’t remotely heroic. At series end she is judged harshly and has been thoroughly criticized by viewers of all stripes.
But demanding that Wanda be punished ignores so much more complexity that surrounds her.
For starters, Wanda isn’t divine goodness personified. She also human, and demanding more of her than we do other fallible humans seems unfair. As your mom said, “she’s not a super hero; she’s a person with super powers”.
Add to that the fraught relationship the rest of the world seems to have with superheroes. At once seeing them as saviors, pleading with them for help at every turn, and limiting them to obedient servitude (particularly with regulations requiring them to check their free will).
Wanda in context (Via CBR.com)
In that context, Wanda using her powers to their full potential is less cruel and more a side effect of the position the society around her put her in. Wanda could inaccurately think she’s helping the bedraggled and woebegone residents of a dilapidated New Jersey town to have amusing, idyllic lives. She’s using her powers, and she’s using them for herself and others. Society put her in a position to have these phenomenal powers, when she uses them, we can’t exactly be astonished.
These aren’t excuses or dismissals they are complications. You don’t have to forgive (and certainly on field gaffes isn’t the same as perpetual manipulation), but given the choice between chastising and complicating first thoughts, I hope you take the time to consider the complicated context.
In Mandarin Chinese the word Weiji, means “crisis”, but hidden inside that word is the Mandarin word “ji” or “opportunity.”
Every crisis contains an opportunity. Some enterprising sorts will use that opportunity to exploit the fears of others and enrich themselves. Others will seize the opportunity to show who they really are.
I hope that when the time comes for you boys to face a critical moments that you approach the moment How you act in a crisis should show who you are, not make you what you want to be.
Dear Boys,
The title of this essay owes itself to Lin Manuel Miranda’s Hamilton. Which, in addition to being an inventive and beloved retelling of American history, has a lot to say about the nature of people faced with the crises inherent in starting a new nation. Few characters summarize the ways of dealing with crisis better than the titular Alexander Hamilton and the show’s narrator Aaron Burr.
Hamilton sings one of the most recognizable songs in the show. At a moment of crisis, with the colonies on the cusp of independence or deeper subjugation in a losing fight with the British Empire, his arrival on the scene isn’t a saving grace for the nascent country. It’s just situation where a “young, scrappy, and hungry” immigrant is the right person in the right place at the right time to make the best of a situation.
The situation revealed Hamilton: bright, ambitious, talented, committed to his community.
The performers of Burr (Leslie Odom Jr.) and Hamilton (Lin-Manuel Miranda) (From Deseret News)
That Burr instead decided “you spit, Imma sit, we’ll see where things land,” Isn’t an indictment of him. Some aren’t ready to act at the moment of crisis. Others simply don’t see the crisis as others do. The reticent are not reprehensible, but the opportunistic…
That is the path Burr opts to take. After establishing a theme about how he’s “willing to wait for” whatever his best opportunity is, Burr finally pounces to get his seat in “the room where it happens” by changing “parties to sieze the opportunity I saw.”
The situation revealed Burr: clever, cunning, calculating, and committed to himself.
Sports matters far less than nation building, but crises are every bit as full of opportunity. Nothing showed that better this month than the injuries to top choice goalkeepers Fatua Duda of Legon and Brice Mableu of Grenoble.
Any injury can create a club wide crisis. Goalie is especially nerve racking. There can be a steep decline from first choice keepers to second choices.
Salles, buried after penalty stops
Mableu is a club legend, a top choice keeper for 6.5 years. Duda wore the gloves of Ghana’s national team just a few months ago. Their replacements were…not.
Esteban Salles stepped between the sticks in Grenoble having played about a quarter of the games Mableu had, in three stints at lower level clubs. Winfred Honu took over in Legon 13 years younger than captain and team leader Duda.
And yet, both Salles and Honu rose to the occasion. Salles has become a penalty kick magnet, and his only loss came to perennial big spenders/title contenders AS Monaco. Honu hoisted a floundering Royals side off the foot of the table without suffering a defeat yet.
(I will explain Ghanaian naming conventions another time)
These performances don’t mean that Salles and Honu are better than the men they replaced. Whenever the number one keepers come back, it’ll be back to a life of warm up suits and extra training reps. But it does show who they are: prepared, poised, ready to offer their all to a team in need.
Honu and Salles are what Hamilton reflects in its leads. They are men who meet the moment, showing consummate professionalism in their actions and sincere strength of character, prepared to be themselves at this opportune moment.
I hope you look to them, to all those who rise up in the crucible of crisis. Dang, you’ll amaze and astonish.
The world makes it pretty easy to be a man. Men have been in charge of world affairs for such a long time that we’ve more or less made being men (especially white men) the easy bit, and made everything else more challenging.
But just because something was done that way before, doesn’t mean we have to keep doing it that way forever. Just because traditionally men were appreciated for their strength, or their swagger, doesn’t mean that’s the way y’all have to be too. (Assuming your gender identity is male)
I bring this up because news last week forcefully reminded us of that fallacy and because my soccer feelings from this week responded very well.
To start with: the fallacy.
There are a sort of men in the world whose faces ripple and snarl, like a bubbling volcano. They maintain a swaggering macho bluster in order project some sense of strength, ferocity, and power. If their style could speak for itself, it would say: “I am the manliest man who ever manned!! Don’t you forget it!!”
These proponents of “masculinity” have a hard time admitting their weakness, their vulnerability, and their fears. Instead they blame others, posture for a fight, and radiate anger.
For four years now, one of the ugliest proponents of this breed of manhood has been at the head of our government. He literally, this week, had his campaign call him “the most masculine man ever to be president.” He has rallied thousands of like minded “men” to his side. And Wednesday, when they all got together, the preening and posturing led to the attack on their own government.
Profiles in Jackassery
Soccer, far as it is from insurrectionist mob violence, still reiterates that same view of manliness sometimes.
There’s a belief that you have to be “hard”. Return injury with injury. Play through pain. And just generally prove that you are a man (preferably by belittling other men).
Players show this in pointless shoving, bumping and antagonizing. Coaches show it by attacking any critique, belittling various foes, and diminishing anyone who doesn’t reflect their views of how a player ought to be.
But it doesn’t have to be that way. Not in soccer. Not in general society. One of the finest examples of that is a fictional coach: Ted Lasso.
Ted Lasso and the Redifining of Manhood
Your mom and I just finished this series, and it’s both funny, sweet, sincere and serious. Ted May seem a bit buffoonish, but beneath the comedic veneer is a welcome antidote to the macho manners of other Americans and athletes.
Ted says repeatedly that he measures success differently
For me, success is not about the wins and losses. It’s about helping these young fellas be the best versions of themselves on and off the field.
Jane Becker (Ted Lasso, S1.E3)
Sometimes that means pushing them to run faster, tackle harder and go for glory. But most of the time it means inviting them to be vulnerable, to understand rivals and forgive yourself your mistakes.
He doesn’t blame, bluster or berate. He shrugs at the insults and dismissals of others, returning time and again to a belief in the value of everyone. Antagonistic reporters, surly supporters, petulant players, he has a smile and kind offering for everyone.
That method transforms the locker room. Not into world beaters, but into fuller forms of themselves. Beyond serious sportsmen, they become more comfortable in who they are: admitting failures, admiring others, owning the anxiety that comes with having one thing define you from the age of 13 and wondering what to do if you can’t do that.
I cannot imagine that introspection, honesty, or temperance in the horde of manly men who attacked the Capitol last Wednesday.
If the innermost feelings of those macho men could speak, I’m quite sure they would deafen us all with fear. Fear of being inadequate, fear of failing, fear of being forgotten. They are terrified, but cannot bring themselves to admit it, and rely on macho make believe to deflect from confronting their reality.
That fear is nothing more than the long shadow of ignorance. In particular the ignorance about all the ways you can be a man. You can play hard and sing out your love for everything and everyone. You can pursue athletic excellence while baking cookies and brushing up on your YA Sci-Fi. You can lead a nation while asking questions and admitting you aren’t sure.
All this to say, being a man has less to do with strength (as the president assumes) or dominance (as many managers believe). Being anything means being the best version of yourself.
A year ago, I stared this blog with the thought of how I could share life lessons and understandings that can show us what matters. An added perk of this is that, much like your uncles and I started keeping a list of lectures your grandpa was going to give us, now you have a list of my 52 lectures in 2020.
Dear Boys,
1. All our teams and how out of many, we are one
2 Legon Cities FC and appreciating new beginnings.
3 Grenoble Foot 38 and the importance of giving a fork about what you do, not over how it is received.
4 Transfer Rumors and John Fowles’ three types of people
5 Ross County, Rabbie Burns and how we want to do hard thingsbecause they are hard to do.
6 SC Freiburg and why “why” is one of the best questions you can ask.
7 Impeachment, Jersey Swaps and how gracious living is easy to do if you practice when it’s hard.
8 Minnesota United, Luis Amarilla and why, While it’s easy to fixate on the best, don’t let it distract you from the very good right in front of you.
9 Ross County and the value of playing to the whistle
10 Manchester City, Mike Bloomberg and why you ought to use your power thoughtfully, with truth and talent.
11 You can’t avoid burnout, but you can acknowledge it and select the most vital and most life giving tasks to focus on.
12 Covid Closures and why even if we’d be okay, we need to do what’s best for the others around us.
13 Rosenborg BK and how you are both a hope surpassed and a history alive
14 FK Vozdovac and why none of us are ideals
15 Diego Maradona, Macho Man Randy Savage and how to make believe safely
16 Ross County and why what you are loyal to is just as important as the loyalty itself
17 SC Freiburg and why you should keep curiosity in your mind and change in your heart.
18 Why debating all time greats is fun, but also pointless.
19 University of Montana Grizzlies and why I hope you have a fire in your heart, and a light in your eyes
20 Minnesota United and how we are stronger together than we could ever be alone.
21 Japanese Art, Freiburg and why you should appreciate what a thing is
22 Screw you systemic racism
23 Hope Solo, Megan Rapinoe and why you should look inside yourselves and ask “how can I help?” as often as possible.
24 ignore those who urge you or anyone to “stick to sports”
25 Freiburg, Vozdovac, and why you should extend yourself and others a little grace.
26 Protests, FK Vozdovac Hooligans, Freiburg’s Vincenzo Grifo and why you should never confuse a crowd’s approval with your virtue.
27 Star Wars, Freiburg, Rosenborg, Donald Trump and why leadership without accountability is just authority.
28 Rosenborg BK and why you can’t prepare for the future by trying to recreate the past
29 Rosenborg’s Women, Ross County, Racialized Debates and why context is king.
30 American Soccer, American society and how a team of competing individuals can lose, but competitive individuals together on a team cannot.
31 Emelec and why you should leave more than you take
32 Ross County and why owning your struggles, your instabilities, your pain is the most healthy way to handle it.
33Minnesota United and why you should keep your goals within your control
34 Grenoble Foot 38 and how you are never alone in the world if you have people you can rely on.
35. Black Lives Matter
36 Julie Blakstad, Marit Clausen, and why you can absolutely do things alone, but helping someone else succeed often helps you too.
37 Pedro Martinez, the Great Falls Dodgers, Freiburg, Minnesota United and why you shouldn’t begrudge players leaving our teams behind, appreciate what they brought while they were here.
38 Alebrijes de Oaxaca and why you should enjoy what your style is.
39 Ruth Bader Ginsburg, the University of Montana, Women’s soccer and how contributions of women lead to growth
40 The Minnesota Twins, Alebrijes de Oaxaca and how learning loyalty is rewarded with loyalty of its own.
41 My least favorite coaches and why what goes around comes around.
42 Professional athletes, teachers and how everyone benefits from a break.
43 Freiburg’s Men, Rosenborg’s Kvinner, Joe Biden and why when you’re worried it will all go wrong, just try to do what you know to do.
44 Franco Arizala, Alebrijes de Oaxaca and why nothing is worth letting the whole world burn.
45 Asamoah Gyan and how we are marked by our pain, both in scars and in strength.
46 Donald Trump, Minnesota United, FK Vozdovac and why you don’t fight the fights you can win, you fight the fights that need fighting
47 Legon Cities and why when you have to face the future, you should approach it as an opportunity to seize not a challenge to be feared.
48 Diego Maradona and why it’s best to love the good in all people
49. Ross County, Rosenborg’s Kvinner and why there’s something to enjoy in both expected and the unexpected events.
50. Minnesota United & why you don’t need to worry about losing, especially when you can just enjoy living.
51. Punjab FC & how what we build, is built with others
52. So…what does all this mean for you boys, for what I think matters and what I think is important. This challenge to write over fifty posts with an eye to you boys and to what matters most.
There are plenty of overlapping themes, but the things that stand out most are simply these two: live in community with others and appreciating both the good and the bad.
And in case there needs to be one more individual lesson it’s this: know how to fold them. I love you boys. I love soccer. I can’t keep writing two posts a week. I’ll keep this site, I’ll post updates and results. But I’m going to scale back my lectures, both for my sake, and for yours.
It struck me that I ought to explain a little bit about why we cheer for the teams we do. Well, in part, it’s because I thought we ought to, and I’m the one of us most capable of complex thought and logic. But also, each team has a special something that captures part of what I love about life, and part of what makes you who you are.
So periodically (like during international breaks, long holidays, or say, global pandemics that completely alter everything we understand about our lives and ourselves), I want to introduce you to the teams we are tied to.
Our eleventh, and final team to meet is a team that shows that whatever you accomplish, you will accomplish it with others.
Dear Boys,
Wherefore Punjab FC
Your grandma has a theory. She believes that geography can shape societies. Growing up on Montana prairies, people were as open as the wild outdoors. Whereas those in the mountains tended to prefer a little isolation, like craggy, inaccessible human peaks
When I lived in India, that bore out. In the Garwhal hills of northern India, people were more independent and defensive, on my trips to the flat land, especially to Punjab–the agrarian state due west of my home, people were more open and eager to greet whomever they met and to support their neighbor as easily as my neighbors were to lend a cup of sugar or help hunt for a missing dog.
So it was that I fell in love with Punjab. As much because of the people and their values as because of the terrain. Though, to talk to your grandma, they often align.
Who is Punjab FC
In 2005, the year I applied to teach in India, Ranjit Bajaj started a youth sports club with a clear goal: to create a pipeline of talented kids who would, in 30 years, compete for the World Cup.
Ten years on, that team had proven to be a force among youth sides and, suddenly, the India Hero League. As Champions they seemed stronger than ever, but a new partner and a shortened season threw prior plans for a loop.
Now, two teams claim the Punjab FC Legacy, Minerva Academy and Roundglass Punjab FC. The first is Bajaj-ji’s project, still aiming for a Cup challenger in a little more than a decade. The second bears the name of Gupreet Singh’s business. Roundglass aims to support wellness for all through data and health programs. Hence the combination of training, teaching, and building a top tier club.
Roundglass will play in the I-League next year while Minerva stays focused on training. Time will tell how teams evolve from here, but both share a valuable vision.
How are we Punjab FC
One thing I hope you boys learn from me, that I learned from both Montana and Punjab, is to respect how what you have, largely depends on what others before you have done.
It reminds me a lot of what former President Obama said almost a decade ago. “Somebody helped create this unbelievable [system]…that helped you succeed.”
Your grandpa Mark started a business that has grown and grown. But he didn’t pave the road to work, he didn’t teach his employees their ABCs and 123s, he didn’t build each part and make every sale, he had a team. The business’ success isn’t just his it’s theirs, and all the people who helped them along the way.
I teach kids, but I don’t feed them before school or limit their screen time to complete it at home. Your mom markets classical music but she doesn’t play the cello or rig the lighting.
When Punjab FC takes the pitch this year, it won’t be Ranjit or Gupreet’s team, it won’t be the managers’ or the players’ or the fans’. It will be a shared experience. As President Obama’s rival, Governor/Senator Mitt Romney, once said
“you didn’t get here solely on your own power. For most of you, loving parents, sisters or brothers, encouraged your hopes, coaches guided, communities built venues in order to organize competitions. All Olympians stand on the shoulders of those who lifted them.”
The Golden Temple’s Golden Hour
Punjab as a place thrives because people care for others. Every farm, every temple, every shop, every football club succeeds because others strive to succeed. Roundglass is indebted to Minerva, and Minerva to Roundglass. They share the privilege and the power of Punjab FC.
You are indebted to your mother and me, and our parents, and our friends, and your teachers, and the random kindness of Punjabi families who offered support and food and shelter.
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