Tag: Music

Shine, Don’t Burn

Shine, Don’t Burn

by scruffyrube ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

(Originally drafted in May, and published now because…well…the reason is in the post)

I try to be honest with you boys as much as I can. To be genuine, truthful and direct about what happens when you’re living so that you can have some guide to getting through what’s going on.

You are wonders. You are marvels. You are joys, and I am forever blessed to be your father.

I am tired. I am spent. I don’t have much left to give, and I worry–almost every day–that I am about to let you down.

I am not unlike most parents. I am a great deal like many teachers in the age of COVID and rising pressure. I am burning out.

Dear Boys,

I say this not to plea for pity, or provide a guilt trip, but just to say: this is who I am, this is what I am navigating. Going in to school in the morning, I feel a heat in my legs and my cheeks and my scalp. I am worried that students will push and prod when I am least prepared and I will break.

Coming home at night, my feet itch, my skin crawls, my teeth grind, and I imagine bed time battles that I’m not emotionally ready for. I don’t blame you for not wanting to go to bed, or for begging for one more story, or one more game, or one more song. You are finding the pleasures of the world. You’re going to be excited to ask for more. I just don’t know if I can say no, even though I know I ought to, or if I can hear your cries and frustrations without taking it personally.

I know that in writing this, things may seem insurmountable. When you find this and read this years from now, you may wonder how I found a solution to it all.

I didn’t.

I just continued on.

The Madrigals

It wasn’t easy. It wasn’t always pleasant. But it has happened. (At least, I hope it has.)

The inspiration for this came, as it so often does, from family.

Owen’s adoration of Encanto means that, in addition to twirling nightly in his preferred Isabella purple night gown, we sing the songs almost hourly. So I am well familiar with the lyrics in the final song: “All of You”

“Look at this family, a glowing constellation.

So many stars, and everybody wants to shine…

But the stars don’t shine, they burn…

The constellations shift,

I think it’s time you learn…

You’re more than just your gift.”

–Lin Manuel Miranda

I’m not sure if you know just how hard that lyric hits me. I’m not sure how much of that lyric or the familial trauma undertones you understand, but it really does matter to me.

MacKenzie Crest

The same sentiment comes out in our family crest. The stag is familiar, it’s emblazoned on our local Ross County Kit. But the crest is more than that. The MacKenzie clan crest is a mountain on fire, and a credo in Latin: Lucero Non Uro…”We shine not burn”.

The MacKenzies are not the Scottish equivalent of the Madrigals, but I like to think that our forebearers understood some of the same purpose.

You can burn up your starlight. You can give and give and give until you’re spent. You can live your life like your hair is on fire, believe me, I feel like I’ve been doing it for years now.

But that’s not the point. It doesn’t serve you. It doesn’t serve those you love. And it isn’t what is in your nature.

You’re more than just your gifts. You’re more than Owen’s dancing, or Alex’s curiosity. The Madrigals are more than super-strength, or life-giving nourishment, or shape-shifting. The Staggies are more than impressive soccer players. The long-gone MacKenzies were more than defenders of an endangered king, or farmers, or revolutionaries.

I might feel burnt out at the sound of a school bell, or a son’s stomping feet, but I am more than that feeling. I am more more than that role. I feel it…and other things. I do it…and other things. I don’t have to strain to make it work. I don’t have to burn to prove that I’m trying.

I shine by being me. You shine by being you. The Madrigals, the MacKenzies, the miraculously saved Stag-Wearing Ross County side: all of us do our best at being what we are…because there’s power and strength and beauty, just in being.

By just being, each and every day: the Staggies survived a difficult campaign. The MacKenzies have seen their future borne out in you. The Madrigals are reunited and restored. And you bring joy to the world around you.

66. Where you’re supposed to be.

66. Where you’re supposed to be.

by scruffyrube ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

For the first time in over two years, your mom and I went away. Away from you, away from home, away from all the lingering routines and history of home and all the plans and preparation that goes into a day in the life of us and you.

One of (the many) things made harder by the pandemic is living in the moment. So much of our time is spent missing the way things were of strategizing and imagining ways to navigate the world safely.

Being parents amplifies that even more because you boys aren’t in a planning place yet. If you could choose, every day would be pajama day and every meal would be chocolate and fruit. So it falls to us to remember what worked before, and what needs to happen in the next week (or more realistically, next two hours).

I’m not complaining mind you. I’m happy to help you by handling the past and the future. I’d just like to join you in the present more often.

Dear Boys,

Knowing your love of foxes I figured you’d like this painting from one of their shows.

That’s what came to mind last weekend. Your mom and I went to see our favorite band: Cloud Cult. Possibly the most philosophical band of the modern era, and for sure the only one that incorporates live painting into every show. The crowd was kept small, the spaces held separate, and still it was wonderful.

The band has a lot of songs that question what we do, how we do it, and how we are often torn between our memories, our plans, and our present. And as I sipped on a cider and sat next to your mom, I tried to set aside my busy brain for being present in the moment.

That’s a surprisingly difficult thing to do.

Busy brains know how to be busy, and they do it without really being asked. It’s true as we go through our day to day life, and it’s even true when we watch a simple soccer match. Lots of fans aren’t there in the moment, we’re casting our eyes to the standings to explain a shift in fortunes, or at the broader story to predict what’s next for a beloved coach or player.

A more efficient Oaxaca…who cares why?

I’m a part of that practice. I can’t help but look back at where Alebrijes de Oaxaca was at throughout last season and marvel at where they are now. How have they done it? Was it promoting Juan Portales to captain? Was it changing managers? Shifting styles?

Ultimately finding the answers to those questions is satisfying, but with or without the knowledge, it’s a pleasure to watch the players in their explosive kits embrace and cheer one another. It’s fun to hear the stadium roar again and feel like great things are possible. Knowing why it’s happening is fine, but ultimately, it’s great that it is happening at all.

If you give this moment your fullest attention

We’ll just keep going forwards with no need for going back.

Cloud Cult. “Time Machine Invention”
The straw that stirs the scotch

It’s also relevant at the individual level. The last month has been the golden age of Regan Charles Cook. The Staggies’ winger has been a powerhouse throughout the Scottish premiership even though Ross County remains a relative afterthought.

That stunning showing is the kind of thing that sets tongues to wagging. How much longer will he keep it up? If he does how long until he gets to move up to a better, more influential club?

While those questions of the future buzz around, it doesn’t help us to appreciate what it is. Regan Charles Cook is kicking butt. His speed, his enthusiasm, his mere presence has made County highlights a joy to watch.

Turn off the phone and throw away the clock,

and the endless things you think you have to do.

The water’s warm and the sun is shining,

and I just wanna spend some time with you.

Cloud Cult. “Days to Remember”
Like being Papa Tiger

There’s so much out there in the world. We often search everywhere we look for explanations. Or extrapolate out what we know to make predictions. Your little brains strive so hard to understand, and I love helping you with that quest.

But sometimes the answer is: what is, is what we need right now.

I don’t know why we’re here, and I don’t know how

But I’m here with you now, I am here with you now

Cloud Cult. “You were Born”
41. The wheels on the bus

41. The wheels on the bus

by scruffyrube ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Dear Boys,

Everyone has one of those songs that just speaks to you. For you Alex, it’s Wheels On The Bus.

While it’s nice for the wipers to go swish, swish, swish, and the windows to go up and down, and the people to go bumpity-bump, we all know the best part.

Those wheels. The ones that go round and round, round and round, round and round and round and round.

This isn’t about reciting lyrics, this is about how those lyrics mean something, and how soccer shows it.

See the wheels aren’t the only thing that go round and round. Often in life you’ll find What goes around comes around.

You can see it in a pair of popular bus related metaphors in soccer.

Over 15 years ago an egotistical coach bemoaned opponents “parking the bus”. In other words he loathed the overly defensive style, the strategy that packed defenders in front of goal to blockade attacks.

Annoying bu tlegal

But since what goes around comes around, he has become one of the most ardent bus parkers in all soccer. It won him multiple domestic and continental trophies.

And as it goes around and around again, that strategy lost its effectiveness. That coach lost his magic touch and trust of his players. Perhaps it will go around again…but only time will tell.

Meanwhile, the coach of our local XI has an unpleasant tendency to throw players under the bus.

Rather than reflect on his failures, or others successes, it’s always someone else’s fault. Usually a player, if not writers, or the fans.

The coach, mid-bus throw…

It’s aggravating to hear. It’s frustrating to hear a leader blame others, including young athletes trying their best, writers doing their job, or fans without any control in the outcome. But it doesn’t seem to stop.

Until, of course, what goes around, comes around

It will, after all. Like the wheels on the bus go round and round, the wheels of karma do too. When he departs, he’ll have to shoulder the blame. Even if he tries to shirk it, players, press, and fans, will return the favor in tossing him under the bus.

The wheels on the bus go round and round. The wheels of fate go round and round. Know that what is great now, may be pain soon, and great again before long. Maybe that’s not the point of that toddler song, but I’m fried and it makes sense to me.

If I try to do this with the name game song, send for help.