Tag: Dear Kids

66. Where you’re supposed to be.

66. Where you’re supposed to be.

by scruffyrube ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

For the first time in over two years, your mom and I went away. Away from you, away from home, away from all the lingering routines and history of home and all the plans and preparation that goes into a day in the life of us and you.

One of (the many) things made harder by the pandemic is living in the moment. So much of our time is spent missing the way things were of strategizing and imagining ways to navigate the world safely.

Being parents amplifies that even more because you boys aren’t in a planning place yet. If you could choose, every day would be pajama day and every meal would be chocolate and fruit. So it falls to us to remember what worked before, and what needs to happen in the next week (or more realistically, next two hours).

I’m not complaining mind you. I’m happy to help you by handling the past and the future. I’d just like to join you in the present more often.

Dear Boys,

Knowing your love of foxes I figured you’d like this painting from one of their shows.

That’s what came to mind last weekend. Your mom and I went to see our favorite band: Cloud Cult. Possibly the most philosophical band of the modern era, and for sure the only one that incorporates live painting into every show. The crowd was kept small, the spaces held separate, and still it was wonderful.

The band has a lot of songs that question what we do, how we do it, and how we are often torn between our memories, our plans, and our present. And as I sipped on a cider and sat next to your mom, I tried to set aside my busy brain for being present in the moment.

That’s a surprisingly difficult thing to do.

Busy brains know how to be busy, and they do it without really being asked. It’s true as we go through our day to day life, and it’s even true when we watch a simple soccer match. Lots of fans aren’t there in the moment, we’re casting our eyes to the standings to explain a shift in fortunes, or at the broader story to predict what’s next for a beloved coach or player.

A more efficient Oaxaca…who cares why?

I’m a part of that practice. I can’t help but look back at where Alebrijes de Oaxaca was at throughout last season and marvel at where they are now. How have they done it? Was it promoting Juan Portales to captain? Was it changing managers? Shifting styles?

Ultimately finding the answers to those questions is satisfying, but with or without the knowledge, it’s a pleasure to watch the players in their explosive kits embrace and cheer one another. It’s fun to hear the stadium roar again and feel like great things are possible. Knowing why it’s happening is fine, but ultimately, it’s great that it is happening at all.

If you give this moment your fullest attention

We’ll just keep going forwards with no need for going back.

Cloud Cult. “Time Machine Invention”
The straw that stirs the scotch

It’s also relevant at the individual level. The last month has been the golden age of Regan Charles Cook. The Staggies’ winger has been a powerhouse throughout the Scottish premiership even though Ross County remains a relative afterthought.

That stunning showing is the kind of thing that sets tongues to wagging. How much longer will he keep it up? If he does how long until he gets to move up to a better, more influential club?

While those questions of the future buzz around, it doesn’t help us to appreciate what it is. Regan Charles Cook is kicking butt. His speed, his enthusiasm, his mere presence has made County highlights a joy to watch.

Turn off the phone and throw away the clock,

and the endless things you think you have to do.

The water’s warm and the sun is shining,

and I just wanna spend some time with you.

Cloud Cult. “Days to Remember”
Like being Papa Tiger

There’s so much out there in the world. We often search everywhere we look for explanations. Or extrapolate out what we know to make predictions. Your little brains strive so hard to understand, and I love helping you with that quest.

But sometimes the answer is: what is, is what we need right now.

I don’t know why we’re here, and I don’t know how

But I’m here with you now, I am here with you now

Cloud Cult. “You were Born”
65. Sid

65. Sid

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We said goodbye to Sidney the dog this week.

Dear Boys,

He was a good boy.

He did not always do good things. But he was a very good boy.

He sometimes drove you guys crazy. Alex always wanted him out of the way and demanded the pup stay off his bed. Owen was terrified that every scrap of food on your plate would be eaten by the fluffy white vacuum cleaner.

You sometimes drove him crazy. He hid away on the couch or a chair. He was not fond of your version of “petting” (which an outside observer might call, “grabbing”). And you took up way too much of his humans’ attention for his liking. Maybe that’s why he stole your food and peed near your rooms.

But still, he was our dog. Before you were here, we helped him overcome his fear of…well…everything. Noises, people who looked at him, people who didn’t look at him, cars, bikes, bigger dogs, smaller dogs, everything. We took him into our home and for ten years we walked him, fed him, and cleaned up after him.

Some people call their pets “fur babies” as if the distinction between Sidney and you was his hairiness. Others mock pet owners, wondering how people can spend time, energy, and resources caring for a little animal in the face of serious inequalities, injustices and needs among our fellow human beings.

The truth, as I see it, is in between.

Caring for Sidney is nothing like caring for you boys. (I mean, I tried to put your food in a bowl, but you kept asking to be held and given a bottle instead. NOTE–I never did that, it was written for comic effect). The love I have for Sid isn’t the love I have for you. It’s not better or worse, less or more, it’s just different.

And loving Sid hasn’t made me less able to care for others. Love isn’t a finite resource, and if we dissect every cent spent or minute used, we miss out on the longer arc.

Sidney reminded me every day: it’s not always about the big things, and it’s not always about the little things. Just like soccer isn’t just about one trophy nor about one missed pass. It’s about connection to and love for what’s at hand.

Your grandpa sent me a note saying, “what is grief, but love persevering.” To be fair, he stole that from a TV show about superpowered people, but the principle remains valid. I’ll be sad he’s gone, but that’s because I’ve loved having him.

You may never remember him. You may remember not liking him. But I’ll remember him standing guard as your feeble baby bodies first took in this great wide world. I’ll remember him standing (and often, sleeping) beside you as if to say: “welcome to the pack, I’m here for you…and your food.”

What will persevere for me, long from now, is the fact that I felt love around Sidney. That love, the ability to care deeply about another thing, is so important. You might have been a little too young to feel it for Sidney, but trust me when I tell you: love is the thing that lasts.

64.5 The Lessons from 2021

64.5 The Lessons from 2021

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Here now is a run down of another years worth of soccer lectures (mercifully fewer as I work on talking less and listening more).

Dear Boys,,

53 Ted Lasso, the Capitol Insurrection and why it’s important to remember that before you are anything else, you are the best version of yourself.

54 Hamilton, back up goalkeepers and how you act in a crisis should show who you are, not make you what you want to be.

55 Punjab FC & WandaVision explain why it’s easy to pin blame on one person, but it’s more valuable to comprehend the context.

56 Fighting over a Ukulele, national guard troops in the streets, the European Super League and a reminder that: when you’re afraid, know that you’re not alone.

57 Comparing different forms of the game and leagues around the world to show how equality is an ideal outcome, but equitability helps you do good.

58 Ross County’s new manager and how you don’t have to tolerate intolerance, but you should tolerate people.

59 How Rosenborg and the men’s rights movement illustrate the value of owning your perspective.

60 Olympics, jersey swaps, the end of democracy in Afghanistan and why I hope that you boys find new ways to question expectations.

61 Moana, the Loons, the Griz and why painful moments can serve you well if you walk through them.

62 Accept Failure

63 Changing schools, vaccine denial and how emphasizing that we are all inherently flawed enables us to move forward together.

64 Politics, classroom management, coaches from Freiburg to Missoula and how to stop trying to be a force for change, and instead change your force.

64.5. So…what did we learn from 2021? Well, it was still hard to write something once a month rather than once a week, but I still enjoyed it (and as you both gain greater vocabulary I need to listen more and channel my lectures here only).

Overall this year, there are a lot of things that I can see coming together and coalescing from this blog, but maybe the biggest is this: resist the gut reaction to panic, or judge, or grab for what you think you want. Instead, remember the bigger picture and appreciate where you are and who you’re with.

62. Failure

62. Failure

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I’m stuck.

I’ve honestly sat looking at what to write at this point for six weeks. Every idea seems to slip away like water from my cupped hands.

I’m still stuck.

Maybe there’s something in smugness? How people think they know best when they really don’t. How that’s reflected in Malkay McKay struggling in Ross County? Ehhh…

Maybe there’s something in pretending? With Halloween and you boys having lots of fun. And maybe that ties into Montana versus the world? Nahh…

Maybe there’s something in trying to hard, straining for some great metaphor when it’s okay to just let a thing be itself? Okay, now my ideas are getting too meta.

I think it’s time to call it: this post is a failure.

Dear Boys

Maybe that’s the point. Sometimes you struggle. Sometimes what you do, doesn’t work. Sometimes difficulty just begets difficulty.

I mean, look at…well, a lot of our teams.

Look at Alebrijes. The season is almost at an end, and you’d be hard pressed to find anyone who feels like the team made progress this year, or has reason to be hopeful for next year. There’s mercifully little in the way of offense or defense, few prospects, and only the comforting reassurance of no relegation to spare the team from dropping a league.

Or you could look at Ross County. They went for the gusto by signing a former premier league manager, and they got one lousy win to show for it. There’s some optimism, sure; some players who have seized their moment, but there’s also a whole lot of nothing in Dingwall.

It can be hard when you look at this to find a silver lining. I often try to, I always encourage you to, but honestly, one of the best silver linings is this: accept that you will fail sometimes.

That’s just it. You will fail. I failed in finding a topic for this. I failed to write it on time. I failed to have it be cogent in anyway shape or form. Alebrijes de Oaxaca failed at both ends of the field. Malkay McKay has failed at home and away, in the league and in the cup. Sometimes you fail.

That’s no one’s fault. That’s no reason to quit. That’s no reason to berate yourself. It happens. Don’t sweat it. Don’t obsess. Just accept.

Every time you fail you join a long, illustrious line of other folks who have done the same. Your crumpled paper stands on the same scrap heap as rough drafts by Shakespeare. Your botched game plan can join the pantheon of efforts from legendary managers and players. Don’t deny it. Don’t scramble to fix it. Accept it.

This post failed…welcome to the club.

61. When the only way out is through

61. When the only way out is through

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You boys have one love beyond your mother…and it’s not me.

Owen kisses her picture, Alex recites her words and re-enacts her story. You boys love Moana so much she saw you through the long interminable drive through North Dakota not once but twice [Not counting the three times we played the whole soundtrack]

You love lots of moments: Maui’s first appearance, Tomatoa’s defeat, hooks exploding, blow darts in butt cheeks, all the belted songs. But Owen recently adopted a song with a message that felt fresh to me, even after our 218th viewing.

The journey may leave a scar,

but scars can heal and reveal just where you are

–Lin Manuel Miranda “I am Moana”

Dear Boys,

The more I hear it the more I like that line. Honestly, you will have failures in life, lots of them. some of them will hurt so much that it’s hard to carry on

This line doesn’t suggest that the pain makes you stronger. Rather the pain makes you wiser. You know where you are more than who you are. You know enough to plan the next step.

The moment may be painful, even years later, but it can serve you well if you walk through it.

Consider the Loons. I’m writing this as I walk home after their last game in a hellacious week of 3 games in 7 days (all against top 4 opponents). They won tonight but were clobbered in the first two.

The scars of the first two losses sting, reminders that we aren’t elite by any stretch. But they make these moments sweeter. We aren’t great, yet, but we can, and hopefully will be.

The journey to upsets

Or think of the Griz. They actually have some say in their opponents. They could lurk in the mountain west clobbering lower division opponents and only worrying about Big Sky trophies. They could be great in that vacuum, but they choose to go for difficult games to build a squad that can be tournament tough.

They’re not on the cusp of a national championship, but they’re on a journey that aims beyond a tough loss to Creighton, or even stirring upsets of Boise State and Long Beach. Coach Citowicki knows where they are, and is helping them to journey farther.

Mama knows where she is

Simplest of all, remember your family. We drove through North Dakota to do the hard task of saying goodbye. Your mom and grandma could shut down grief and ignore the pain of loss, but going to say goodbye will help them center themselves in the present. Through the goodbyes they remember where they are: here with you, the next generation. Ready to start again.

It certainly isn’t easy, and I understand if you feel like you can’t. But when you can, I hope you remember that in the moment of pain, thinking long term may serve you in ways you can’t imagine.

59. Power of Perspective

59. Power of Perspective

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I have a favorite thing to read, one that both boys have heard me read often. It’s a weekly magazine published in London and sent to us and millions of others around the world: The Economist.

I started reading it on long Saturdays in Montana towns, working with my friend Brian to keep aware of world affairs. Your mom rekindled my love for it, and for the past 11 years I’ve rarely missed an issue. I’ve even read chunks to the both of you (which was easier when you were wee babies than it is now).

Dear Boys,

The Economist covers just about everything under the sun. Even an article a week has better informed me about passions of mine (international education, diplomacy, race) and cares of friends and family (Scottish independence, Ghanaian funerals, Hindu nationalism). But most relevant here is when it talks about soccer.

In the madness of the last few weeks I read one article that touched on soccer in a way that lines up neatly with this blog and my advice to you. To wit, soccer is a blank slate, and what we see in the game is a reflection of us. I’ll just tack on this thought to an already sterling column: acknowledge that your perspective is just that, your own.

Consider one of my most common topics in all these posts: how awesome Rosenborg Kvinner are.

To me, the story of RBKK is a story of cohesion, cooperation, teamwork and excellence achieved. We cover the exploits of Blakstad, Utland, and Rulyte because they are excellent, and covering women’s teams with as much enthusiasm as we have for men’s teams is only fair. I believe women deserve equal pay and recognition…I can’t change the pay but I can definitely add to the recognition in my own small way.

But that is my perspective.

Across the street from us, during the annual street festival each year, is a stand for the Minnesota Men’s Rights Group who advocate for men as a disadvantaged group (despite our disproportionate power politically, socially, culturally and economically). As part of the “Mano sphere” they believe that the limited erosion in our strength over the past few decades is discriminatory, and traditional (male dominated) society should be restored.

If you were to show some of their members (to say nothing of the radical wings of the internet) they would see something very different. (I know…I’ve heard it in real life already).

To them, this is another sign of the diminishment of men. I’m too hidebound by political correctness to acknowledge that the men’s game is superior. I’m too scared of my own authority to put the men’s game, the better game, first. That women are playing at all is a sign of how weakened men are in the first place. That I’m “pushing” these ideas on you will further weaken the future of men. (And that’s before we get into some of the more crude assumptions about soccer being effeminate in the first place).

That is there perspective.

I believe that my perspective is founded in truth, optimism, and equality, and theirs is founded on fear. Therefore, I think my reading is both more accurate and better for your future in society than theirs.

But of course I do. I’m writing this thing.

It’s less about whose perspective is right and whose is wrong (for the record, I’m right…me…your dad). It’s more about the fact that we each voice our perspective, and that soccer gives us both a space to explore our beliefs and a means to express them.

Soccer helps us to talk about gender and equality, about race and prejudice, about capitalism, socialism, authoritarianism, colonialism, and any number of other ideals, beliefs, questions, and issues that arise.

Whatever you take away from it, that’s your perspective. You can and should acknowledge that it’s one perspective among many. By all means, hear others, consider different points of view, and refine and revise your perspective as you feel best.

It can be very easy to seek ways to blame others, or insist that you have cornered the market on truth. But when you acknowledge the power your own perception has over what you see, you acknowledge that you know you’re thinking. You acknowledge that you have a power to think critically rather than believe blindly. When you admit that it’s your perspective, you own your place in the broader world.

As we face down a resurgent pandemic and an erasure of borders, I hope you listen to the thoughts of others, read good writing about the whole wide world, and own your perspective.

58. Forgiveness and the Tolerance Paradox

58. Forgiveness and the Tolerance Paradox

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As you grow up boys, you should know that every thing you say and do has consequences. Missteps and misdeeds are shared more broadly and more quickly than ever. And more and more people are ready to denounce those people they find lacking.

Some see that as overreacting. But as one of my colleagues told me: If you tolerate intolerant people, then you are tolerating intolerance.

Dear Boys,

There is an ideal symbol for this debate right now in the manager’s office in Dingwall, Scotland (not far from where your centuries-past MacKenzie relatives tilled the field and apprenticed to tailors). Malky Mackay is officially the Staggies manager, and he has said and done more than a few things that are blatantly, obviously, intolerant.

These statements (reviewed in more detail here) aren’t tone deaf moments, or failures to understand. They’re straight up, no questions asked, racist, sexist, anti-Semitic, and homophobic. Mackay’s offenses are clear. But County’s hiring him is less so.

Photo from Ross-Shire Journal

If you agree that tolerating such an intolerant man is, itself, an act of intolerance, then County’s decision to hire him, suggests tolerance for those abhorrent views. Fans decision to cheer the Stags who execute his game plan suggests the same. But things aren’t that simple.

The strongest complicating force is that many people, myself included, feel a philosophical, almost spiritual calling to forgive others. I believe, truly, that others deserve not just second chances, but third, fourth…infinite chances.

That seems inherently unfair in some cases. After all, if everyone knows they will get more chances, than those who make racist, sexist, anti-Semitic, or homophobic statements/actions may never really face consequences. If people know that we’ll tolerate their misdeeds, then everything we do will enable intolerance.

But here’s the distinction I make, and I hope you boys consider as you make up your own mind: you don’t tolerate the intolerance, you tolerate the people.

The word “tolerance” has come to mean “authorizing the existence of something unpleasant”. But the word’s Latin root (and another meaning of the word) is “endurance of pain”.

There’s a flawed logic in the idea that we can authorize or de-authorize any person. It assumes that we have a power to make other people do what we want. It suggests that some people are superior to others [better, holier, etc.].

Endurance is more passive, and more realistic. We don’t like to admit or face the fact that we CAN’T change the world, or even other people. But the truth is we can’t. Sometimes, all you can do is endure the relationship with a man who makes your skin crawl and stomach churn. And that is the stage we are at with Mr. Mackay.

I don’t authorize MacKay’s statements. I haven’t found a Staggies fan yet who does. I hope the Ross County board was explicitly clear with him. I hope they made clear that any such repeated statements, in public, or in his capacity as team manager (ie. discussing players/agents/owners/opponents/fans, etc), will not be tolerated. The penalty should be swift, and immediate, including termination of contract and repayment of wages (preferably to be donated to organizations that do reflect the club’s goals and mission). Such a requirement makes clear that Mackay is being tolerated, but intolerant actions will not.

Original Obelisk to the Earl of Cromarty (Sir George MacKenzie)…endured 200 years (a smaller replica has stood for 100 years itself)

I hope Mackay does well. I hope he apologizes for his past intolerance and works to build a better community in the weeks and months ahead. I hope he coaches a team that stays up. I hope his players learn from him and grow toward their full potential. (Given his half-hearted apologies and lousy managerial record, I anticipate doing much more “enduring” than admiring, but time will tell.)

I have no power over Malky Mackay, or the Ross County board, or anyone else anywhere on the planet. I cannot authorize or de-authorize anyone. I will oppose his intolerant actions/beliefs by not paying for any County seats or paraphernalia during Mackay’s tenure. But I will endure Malky Mackay. Managers come and go, but love for heritage, love for people, love for the Staggies, will endure.

56. Fight, Flight, Freeze, or…

56. Fight, Flight, Freeze, or…

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As I was puzzling over what to write about, you boys gave me an idea. As you often do.

Alex was playing with a truck as Owen picked up his Ukelele. Immediately, the world seemed to be ending. Alex was convinced that Owen was taking the Uke and would “NEVER EVER GIVE IT BACK!!!” Cue tears and a confused Owen tightening his grip and thus more tears.

I asked you both the next day what scared you. Owen, with his growing vocabulary said “baaah” his word for bottle (distinct from buh/ball or bu-inba/bowling ball). Alex said “nothing.”

“Really,” said I, “it seems like you often are afraid that whatever someone else has something you like. Like when Owen touches your Ukele. Does that scare you?”

“Oh…yeah…I’m scared of that.”

“Why?”

“Because…it’s mine…and he’s taking it and then HE’LL NEVER GIVE IT BACK. NOT EVER!!”

“I can see that would be scary. What do you do when you’re scared?”

Dear Boys,

Alex: “I scream!”

Owen: [makes deep breathing noise]–note Owen actually screams when he’s scared, but he already knows what I hope he’ll do.

When you’re afraid, you react naturally. But you also are more prone to make mistakes, overreact and generally get sucked into a bigger problem. Fear makes you ready to fight (as shown when you boys push eachother for toys), or flee (as when you run off to another room in tears), or freeze (when you can’t do anything else but scream).

Falling after the fight (Metro Sports)

Easy as it would be to say, “it’s a phase”, and “you’ll grow out of it,” the reality is lots of people do lots of dumb fight, flight, or flee activities when they’re afraid. Both as individuals, organizations, and even teams.

Take the spate of penalties that have sprung up for teams like Grenoble, Ross County, and Vozdovac.

As the season comes to its conclusion each team has a lot riding on every game. Grenoble is approaching the top tier of French football, Ross County and Vozdovac are fighting to stay afloat and avoid relegation. In that context every ball, every opportunity carries greater and greater weight. So, in fear, foolish challenges occur. Penalties are awarded and Grenoble’s wins become draws. County and Vozdovac see points sail away from the spot.

Enough to make anyone freeze (StarTribune)

That’s a fight response. In our neighborhood this week, there’s been a lot more freezing.

The Derek Chauvin trial came to its end. The mountain of evidence, eye witnesses, and expert testimony were enough to hold the officer who killed a man in broad daylight to be held accountable. But all around us there were signs of people and groups freezing. Before the verdict, national guard troops arrived on our block to keep the peace (despite the fact that there was no unrest in the first place). I’ll be frank. I froze when I saw them. Big trucks. Big guns. Right where I pick up the dog’s poop…I didn’t want to go anywhere. That was the hope, but it was a hope based on our fear of the other outcome.

Double the flight (from AlJazeera)

And we even got a textbook example of fleeing in fear this week. Twelve of the biggest teams in the world–teams who could buy and sell our 11 favorites ten times over–announced their plans to flee their current leagues lest they lose, and lose their business. Their fear of failure, of more losses, led them to plan on fleeing their current positions for something that seemed more certain.

And when the backlash was swift. When fans around the world, and players from every team, and coaches, and legends of the game, and politicians all announced that it was stupid, the teams fled again. This time they fled the super league from fear of losing the support they had assumed would follow them. Again they were afraid, and again they fled as fast as their legal briefs could carry them.

These reactions, fight, flight, and flee, are natural. They’re nothing to abandon or grow beyond. They are human responses. You boys are every bit as human as a desperate defender, a local leader, a billionaire owner, or a global soccer icon.

When you’re afraid, know that you’re not alone. If you make a mistake based on your fear, you have good company. If you want help, you have hosts of people who have been through it before.

Fear makes us do foolish things. That’s okay. Just know that fools always have company.

55: Complexity

55: Complexity

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Nobody likes to take the blame for the problems we face. When emotions run high and pain runs deep, being the one who takes the blame hurts.

Sometimes you can shift the blame to someone else, something else, extenuating circumstances or unwieldy fate. Sometimes you can’t. But it’s worth remembering that same feeling when you are blameless and you start looking around for someone to accuse.

It’s easy to pin blame on one person, it’s more valuable to comprehend the context.

Dear Boys,

Hard core sports fans like to say that they live and die with the team’s performance. Of course, they don’t really have a death wish, so rather than jumping off a bridge because of a blow out or a bad beat, they tend to pin the blame on a player turned scapegoat. Consider Punjab FC, who slipped in form after a strong month of showings just when they needed it most.

An all too common sight of late for Punjab (see Saurabh, #3)
via Golukam Kerala Club Site

To most eyes, the disappointing results fall on the shoulders of a few rookie defenders. First Surabh Banwala gifted a penalty to Golukam, then the defense and Souvik Das were caught flatfooted against Mohamedan, and Mohammed Irshad made a gaffe against TRAU, and before you could say “pakora” the title hopes were in tatters.

But making Banwala or Das or Irshad the scapegoat for a poor turn in form at the last minute ignores all the context that goes with it.

Sure the defenders are easy to see slipping, but they don’t operate alone. As teams bottle up Chencho Gyeltshen and Baba Diawara, goals become rarer. And defenders push up to add to the attack. And that leaves the defense more vulnerable to miscues. So, yes the defense slipped but they might not have if the offense had continued firing.

Curtis Fleming watching it all come undone
Via Kehl Now

Even roping in the offense ignores most of the people on the pitch. There’s a whole second team out there, as well as officials. To put Punjab off their game, Golukam, Mohamedan and TRAU had to be on theirs. While their assigned referees whistled for fouls, others might have missed the mark. You can’t control how others play, you can’t control how refs perform. so yes, the defense slipped but would we have noticed if the referees had missed it or if other teams hadn’t capitalized?

This is to say nothing of the complexity beyond the field. The defense can’t control coaching tactics, or training field injuries, or the intense two match a week schedule. One player making one mistake is a comforting target for blame, but it ignores how complex human life is.

All of this is borne out by the current pop culture obsession of our quarantined community: Wandavision.

Wanda Vision Promo

After a year without daring deeds and heroic exploits, super hero stories came back with a bang. And while you’re still too young for more than five minutes of cartoon adventures, the broader public has gone deep on the story of one superhero, Wanda Maximoff, who commandeers a small town and all the people in it to allay her grief at another devastating loss.

Wanda as hero/villain Scarlet Witch
(via Sportskeeda)

To be sure, forcing people to do what you say without giving them a choice is cruel and immoral. Wanda’s actions here aren’t remotely heroic. At series end she is judged harshly and has been thoroughly criticized by viewers of all stripes.

But demanding that Wanda be punished ignores so much more complexity that surrounds her.

For starters, Wanda isn’t divine goodness personified. She also human, and demanding more of her than we do other fallible humans seems unfair. As your mom said, “she’s not a super hero; she’s a person with super powers”.

Add to that the fraught relationship the rest of the world seems to have with superheroes. At once seeing them as saviors, pleading with them for help at every turn, and limiting them to obedient servitude (particularly with regulations requiring them to check their free will).

Wanda in context (Via CBR.com)

In that context, Wanda using her powers to their full potential is less cruel and more a side effect of the position the society around her put her in. Wanda could inaccurately think she’s helping the bedraggled and woebegone residents of a dilapidated New Jersey town to have amusing, idyllic lives. She’s using her powers, and she’s using them for herself and others. Society put her in a position to have these phenomenal powers, when she uses them, we can’t exactly be astonished.

These aren’t excuses or dismissals they are complications. You don’t have to forgive (and certainly on field gaffes isn’t the same as perpetual manipulation), but given the choice between chastising and complicating first thoughts, I hope you take the time to consider the complicated context.

53. Modern Manhood

53. Modern Manhood

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Dear Boys,

The world makes it pretty easy to be a man. Men have been in charge of world affairs for such a long time that we’ve more or less made being men (especially white men) the easy bit, and made everything else more challenging.

But just because something was done that way before, doesn’t mean we have to keep doing it that way forever. Just because traditionally men were appreciated for their strength, or their swagger, doesn’t mean that’s the way y’all have to be too. (Assuming your gender identity is male)

I bring this up because news last week forcefully reminded us of that fallacy and because my soccer feelings from this week responded very well.

To start with: the fallacy.

There are a sort of men in the world whose faces ripple and snarl, like a bubbling volcano. They maintain a swaggering macho bluster in order project some sense of strength, ferocity, and power. If their style could speak for itself, it would say: “I am the manliest man who ever manned!! Don’t you forget it!!”

These proponents of “masculinity” have a hard time admitting their weakness, their vulnerability, and their fears. Instead they blame others, posture for a fight, and radiate anger.

For four years now, one of the ugliest proponents of this breed of manhood has been at the head of our government. He literally, this week, had his campaign call him “the most masculine man ever to be president.” He has rallied thousands of like minded “men” to his side. And Wednesday, when they all got together, the preening and posturing led to the attack on their own government.

Profiles in Jackassery

Soccer, far as it is from insurrectionist mob violence, still reiterates that same view of manliness sometimes.

There’s a belief that you have to be “hard”. Return injury with injury. Play through pain. And just generally prove that you are a man (preferably by belittling other men).

Players show this in pointless shoving, bumping and antagonizing. Coaches show it by attacking any critique, belittling various foes, and diminishing anyone who doesn’t reflect their views of how a player ought to be.

But it doesn’t have to be that way. Not in soccer. Not in general society. One of the finest examples of that is a fictional coach: Ted Lasso.

Ted Lasso and the Redifining of Manhood

Your mom and I just finished this series, and it’s both funny, sweet, sincere and serious. Ted May seem a bit buffoonish, but beneath the comedic veneer is a welcome antidote to the macho manners of other Americans and athletes.

Ted says repeatedly that he measures success differently

For me, success is not about the wins and losses. It’s about helping these young fellas be the best versions of themselves on and off the field.

Jane Becker (Ted Lasso, S1.E3)

Sometimes that means pushing them to run faster, tackle harder and go for glory. But most of the time it means inviting them to be vulnerable, to understand rivals and forgive yourself your mistakes.

He doesn’t blame, bluster or berate. He shrugs at the insults and dismissals of others, returning time and again to a belief in the value of everyone. Antagonistic reporters, surly supporters, petulant players, he has a smile and kind offering for everyone.

That method transforms the locker room. Not into world beaters, but into fuller forms of themselves. Beyond serious sportsmen, they become more comfortable in who they are: admitting failures, admiring others, owning the anxiety that comes with having one thing define you from the age of 13 and wondering what to do if you can’t do that.

I cannot imagine that introspection, honesty, or temperance in the horde of manly men who attacked the Capitol last Wednesday.

If the innermost feelings of those macho men could speak, I’m quite sure they would deafen us all with fear. Fear of being inadequate, fear of failing, fear of being forgotten. They are terrified, but cannot bring themselves to admit it, and rely on macho make believe to deflect from confronting their reality.

That fear is nothing more than the long shadow of ignorance. In particular the ignorance about all the ways you can be a man. You can play hard and sing out your love for everything and everyone. You can pursue athletic excellence while baking cookies and brushing up on your YA Sci-Fi. You can lead a nation while asking questions and admitting you aren’t sure.

All this to say, being a man has less to do with strength (as the president assumes) or dominance (as many managers believe). Being anything means being the best version of yourself.