I was in a teacher activity thinking about words that are immutable parts of ourselves. Obviously thinking about you boys, and what I have, and all those good things, I thought of love.

Dear, Boys

But love can go many directions and many ways. You can adore things and hold them up beyond their reach. You can yearn for things and have a lot, a lot of wanting. But I ended up pairing it with another word I use a lot “give”, so the words the related words to love that stood out most were “care”, “cherish” and “benevolence”

Benevolence doesn’t actually have that great of a sound to it. Many people look at “benevolence” a little like a smug and distant force. Your mom works in the arts where “benefactors” are people who give large sums of money and end up with their name on walls or programs. Your grandpa Bruce (the original MacKenzie Boy) is fond of the image of a “Benevolent Dictator” someone who will use total power to do kind and just things. (Your grandpa likes it because it’s about as realistic as having a seven-headed kitten.)

But, I still like “benevolence”. And because I am who I am, I dug into the word. Looking not at what it means to people now, but how the word grew and developed.

Benevolent, like most latin-derived words, starts with the ending: “ent”–doing…I like that because I like active rather than passive love; next “volo”–wishes…I like that because so much is out of our control, you can control your hopes and aspirations and wishes for the world; finally “bene”–good. So put it all together and Benevolent means “doing good wishes”, if you are benevolent you aren’t giving money or ruling the world, you are just wishing well for other people, sending goodness and compassion outward.

I like that root of “benevolence”. But it isn’t easy.

It’s hard for you kids. You can do it when we’re cuddled up at the end of the day and I ask you who you want to send gratitude or love to. But in the middle of the day, chores become “why do you make me do everything!”, “I never get to play!” and “I can’t do it, I’m just stupid!”. Play time becomes “gimme that”, ”no, that’s mine,” and “you’re a stupid head, I’m leaving!!”. Honestly, I feel it come up in my own words, “why aren’t you listening to me?”, “boys, I said, No,” and “just do what I asked you, please?”.

It’s hard to offer benevolence up when things feel so antagonistic.

The same thing is true in sports. It’s not an extremely benevolent field. Instead people obsess over results and outcomes. Soccer is often a zero sum affair: a game where there is a winner and a loser and a sense that in order to get something good for yourself, someone else has to suffer.

But it’s also in soccer where you can see great examples of benevolence.

Two of my favorite coaches preach this perspective. Looking for the good in the community and the positives for everyone.

Chris Citowicki’s first standard in recruiting for the University of Montana was to make a pledge to recruits. “I promise that when it’s all over, You will have had the best four years of your life.” He’s not pledging to make them “winners” or to become professionals or win national (or even conference championships), he is focused on the best four years: socially, academically, everything. He wants what’s best for his team…not what results in the most wins on the field.

Christian Streich’s politics are a welcome breath of fresh air, all the more so when he looks for ways to wish well for everyone involved in a hot button issue. At a time when politics is very much a blood sport, he speaks in ways to understand others. In the heat of an immigration crisis, he spoke about the needs of refugees and to the emotions of the heated few: “Right now is the time to open up to people, to receive [refugees], to reduce fears. It is often about the fear of others and the fear of strangers. It’s about getting to know other ways of thinking.”

The goal isn’t to be right while your opponents admit defeat. It’s to welcome people in need, and help those who are afraid to find hope and confidence in knowledge rather than fear.

In thinking about soccer, I certainly grind my teeth over unlucky results or unfair whistles, I definitely glower at lucky punks and grumble about unfair systems, but that good wishing, that kindness mentality, that’s what I aspire to.

More than proving I’m right and you’re wrong. More than making you play nice. I genuinely wish you can find the good: the good in yourselves, the kindness and compassion and love for each other, the strength to do it on your own.

I want to bring back benevolence: for the players I cheer for, for the neighbors I disagree with, for you boys even in the peaks of your anguish.

Start by wishing well for others, and let your actions follow.