(Originally drafted in May, and published now because…well…the reason is in the post)

I try to be honest with you boys as much as I can. To be genuine, truthful and direct about what happens when you’re living so that you can have some guide to getting through what’s going on.

You are wonders. You are marvels. You are joys, and I am forever blessed to be your father.

I am tired. I am spent. I don’t have much left to give, and I worry–almost every day–that I am about to let you down.

I am not unlike most parents. I am a great deal like many teachers in the age of COVID and rising pressure. I am burning out.

I say this not to plea for pity, or provide a guilt trip, but just to say: this is who I am, this is what I am navigating. Going in to school in the morning, I feel a heat in my legs and my cheeks and my scalp. I am worried that students will push and prod when I am least prepared and I will break.

Coming home at night, my feet itch, my skin crawls, my teeth grind, and I imagine bed time battles that I’m not emotionally ready for. I don’t blame you for not wanting to go to bed, or for begging for one more story, or one more game, or one more song. You are finding the pleasures of the world. You’re going to be excited to ask for more. I just don’t know if I can say no, even though I know I ought to, or if I can hear your cries and frustrations without taking it personally.

I know that in writing this, things may seem insurmountable. When you find this and read this years from now, you may wonder how I found a solution to it all.

I didn’t.

I just continued on.

It wasn’t easy. It wasn’t always pleasant. But it has happened. (At least, I hope it has.)

The inspiration for this came, as it so often does, from family.

Owen’s adoration of Encanto means that, in addition to twirling nightly in his preferred Isabella purple night gown, we sing the songs almost hourly. So I am well familiar with the lyrics in the final song: “All of You”

“Look at this family, a glowing constellation.

So many stars, and everybody wants to shine…

But the stars don’t shine, they burn…

The constellations shift,

I think it’s time you learn…

You’re more than just your gift.”

–Lin Manuel Miranda

I’m not sure if you know just how hard that lyric hits me. I’m not sure how much of that lyric or the familial trauma undertones you understand, but it really does matter to me.

The same sentiment comes out in our family crest. The stag is familiar, it’s emblazoned on our local Ross County Kit. But the crest is more than that. The MacKenzie clan crest is a mountain on fire, and a credo in Latin: Lucero Non Uro…”We shine not burn”.

The MacKenzies are not the Scottish equivalent of the Madrigals, but I like to think that our forebearers understood some of the same purpose.

You can burn up your starlight. You can give and give and give until you’re spent. You can live your life like your hair is on fire, believe me, I feel like I’ve been doing it for years now.

But that’s not the point. It doesn’t serve you. It doesn’t serve those you love. And it isn’t what is in your nature.

You’re more than just your gifts. You’re more than Owen’s dancing, or Alex’s curiosity. The Madrigals are more than super-strength, or life-giving nourishment, or shape-shifting. The Staggies are more than impressive soccer players. The long-gone MacKenzies were more than defenders of an endangered king, or farmers, or revolutionaries.

I might feel burnt out at the sound of a school bell, or a son’s stomping feet, but I am more than that feeling. I am more more than that role. I feel it…and other things. I do it…and other things. I don’t have to strain to make it work. I don’t have to burn to prove that I’m trying.

I shine by being me. You shine by being you. The Madrigals, the MacKenzies, the miraculously saved Stag-Wearing Ross County side: all of us do our best at being what we are…because there’s power and strength and beauty, just in being.

By just being, each and every day: the Staggies survived a difficult campaign. The MacKenzies have seen their future borne out in you. The Madrigals are reunited and restored. And you bring joy to the world around you.